Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Two very personal things you should know about me...

First, for some reason my entire life i have always assumed things were too hard for me. Honestly i gave up easily, or i wouldn't even try because it seemed too difficult, or i thought i would fail at it. Call it lack of self-esteem, cowardice, lazy, stubborn. I would say, yeah i agree, at one point all of those things applied to me, they applied to my reasons for not trying, for not "jumping", for lack of confidence. 

Second, by nature Ive come to learn and stubbornly accept that i am a very controlling person. Not in a way that i like to control people, but in a way that i like to control everything in my life. I hate surprises, i like to plan and make lists, i don't like when things don't go the way the way i thought they would, spontaneous twists i wasn't expecting are hard for me to handle. When i know i can not control my situation, or the circumstance or outcome, sometimes i will just not attempt it. I hate not knowing how things will end up. New things, they're very hard and extremely scary for me. 

Now onto my point for sharing these humiliating less than attractive attributes....

Recker has changed my life in so many ways. He has been forcing me from the beginning and i mean very beginning to work through these "faults" of mine. First of all, it was a surprise when i found out i was pregnant. I could lie and say i was so excited and happy. But like i mentioned before, he was a surprise...i don't handle surprises, change or interrupted plans very well. I didn't know how i would get through it, i didn't know how to take care of a baby, what kind of mother i would be, how we would afford it (we weren't planning on a baby), when would i finish school, etc....But this wasn't something i could just back out of, not try, and ignore. I did it. I had my baby, he's now a toddler, and we're both alive and well. I made it through, despite my assumptions that i wouldn't.

Still not convinced i could do hard things, i'd drag jeremy to every doctors appointment, meeting etc... I didnt think i could do it alone, i thought i needed someone to help me through every hard time. I never believed i could get through things all by my self. 

The hardest day of my life I've had yet, i found myself having to go through it alone. I knew i would have to do it alone, jeremy wasn't able to get off work. I knew this ahead of time and had time to plan and prepare myself to do it alone, it wasn't enough time. He told me over and over that i could do this, that i would be ok and that I'm strong, i just didn't believe him.

I pulled into that parking garage, ALONE. 
I got my baby out of his car seat and carried him into the doctors office, ALONE.
I sat there while the doctor said those dreaded words, ALONE. 
I was forced to go through it, ALONE. 
I survived it, ALONE. 
As sure as i was that i wouldn't, i survived.
I did the hardest thing of my life, i did it ALONE.
I didn't need someone there to help me. 
I was able to get through it.

There have been countless other less significant (but not unimportant) experiences that have showed and proved to me over and over again, that I AM STRONG. I continually am forced to "let go" and give up control, to have faith that everything will be ok, that i will survive, that I really CAN do these things that seem near impossible. 

This last month has been one of those times. It has definitely been one of the hardest i have ever had. Without going into boring detail, Jeremy's work has taken him out of town monday-friday, every week until next April/May. We only get to be with him on the weekends. I have been forced to be a "single parent" during the week. I was so scared. I was barely hanging on with jeremy here, helping me everyday, how am i supposed to do it without him? Anxiety ridden and absolutely terrified of failing, this was just too hard to imagine getting through alone. I kept telling Jeremy, "NO", that he can not leave, he needed to figure something else out. Then one night, i was laying in bed thinking about my boys, jeremy, and all the trials and hard times i've been through in my life, and realized, I got through them, i survived, i was strong enough. It's been hard, really hard having jeremy gone, but mostly because we miss him, so badly. I have come to realize how strong i really am, as cheesy as it sounds...

I have FINALLY realized I CAN DO HARD THINGS.

Doubt used to be constant in my life, but now its rare. 
When it does creep in, i look at all the things i have done. 
All the terribly difficult things i have over come.

I am so grateful for the trials ive gone through.
They have helped me overcome one of the more difficult things ive struggled with deep within, DOUBT.

I would also like to make sure that it is not misunderstood, yes i have gone through many trials "alone", but i have had the support, STRONG & unyielding support of my family. Jeremy is my rock. He is always there when im doubting myself and my capabilities. He always knows what i need to hear. I definitely know this parenting thing would be a LOT harder without him by my side. Im so grateful for him. I can not begin to share the ways that my parents and siblings have gone above and beyond, to help Jeremy and I. I am constantly overwhelmed by the love and support they give me. There is nothing i will ever be able to do to repay them for what they've done and continue to do for me.  I have come to learn that i CAN do things by myself, and alone, but that i don't HAVE TO. The little things they do for me, that to them are just something so small, but to me it means the world. My family as crazy as we are (if you know us well, you know what i mean when i say crazy), we are full of so much love for one another. I am so blessed. I love you all Mom & Dad, Blake & Chloe, Kaitlyn & Brian, and Haleigh & Scott....THANK YOU.



4 comments:

  1. I love this post! I think one of the toughest thing to do as women and now as mothers is to believe in our own capabilities. With that being said, I'm sorry you've had to do so much on your own or be by yourself at times when someone could have been holding your hand. These are some difficult times with our kids. But you inspire me more to believe in myself and toughen up a bit cause I feel like a whimp most days. Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Kayla my dear daughter--you are STRONG--you are a SURVIVOR--after all you are a BELSHE....I can't tell you how many times I have been on my knees praying for some strength for you. Everything you have gone through has helped you to become the mother, wife and beautiful person that you are. I have never seen a mother more determined to help her son get the best care she can--so keep your chin up and be grateful for all the blessings you have been given, we all love you and we all think you are the best. These experiences are what makes you STRONG--love mom

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh Kayla, this just gave me goose bumps, very well written! I have many of the same traits, of doubt and lack of confidence... especially with huge life changing decisions, I feel for ya, you are a great lady, woman, and mom! love you!
    -katie

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love how open and raw you are. It makes your connection to people stronger so they can understand themselves better to.

    ReplyDelete